I care!!!

Think of someone "cool."  What comes to mind?  Probably something like this:

Someone who doesn't give a fuck.  Zombies could be taking over the world and this guy would just chill with a cigarette and his leather jacket.  That's "cool."  Why?

Back in the days when death was a real daily possibility, I'm guessing humans learned to gravitate to people who could deal with whatever scary situation presented itself.  People who had seen a lot, been through a lot, who wouldn't freak out under pressure.  Those people kept you alive.  They were natural leaders.

Today, though, death is far more rare.  We don't run into situations where survival is uncertain and a cool, collected person could be the difference between life and death.  But we're still gravitated to people who seem like they'd be unfazed by whatever life throws at them.

These people we gravitate to give as few fucks as possible.  Rather than being seasoned war veterans who have loved and lost and come through it all, the coolest kids in school are the ones who don't care about non-life-and-death stuff.  They don't care if they get in trouble, they don't care if they drop out of school, they don't care if they mess up their brains or their future or their relationships.  Back in the death-days, these non-carers would have just died at the first cold winter.  Oh, you didn't care about storing enough food for the winter?  Ah well.

The unfortunate thing is that we value this not caring.  And in this last year I have responded to the Mel-Mark double whammy by learning to not care as much.  It started as a defense mechanism to shield myself from some of the hurt, but it ended up making me a happier, more carefree person.  Or so I thought.

See, if you don't care about anything, nothing can hurt you.  No one's opinion, no failure, no event can break through your shell and rustle your feathers.  Literally everything can be responded to with a "What do I care?"  It feels safe.  And, on top of that, it feels cool.  This has long been a "manly" trait, lauded as "tough", when really it is more hiding from any real emotional impact than dealing with what comes in a courageous way.  

I feel like I have learned to quiet my mind, to stem the flow of thoughts, and that leads to an existence that is "in the present" because the connective thoughts to the past and future just aren't given space.  Is this what existence should be?  Is this what I should strive for, the contentment of the moment, sought after by Buddhists?  (** Disclaimer: I don't actually know enough about Buddhism to make that claim, but this is my blog, so I will.)

In some areas of my life, this is good.  I sometimes spin out of control into an anxious spiral over something -- such as relationship jealousy -- that I know logically has no basis in reality.  I tend to base my opinion of myself more heavily on what others think than what I think.  I worry about failure to the point that it prevents me from trying anything new.  In these cases, I know that overthinking is holding me back, and quieting these thoughts is probably good for me.

Yet this "coolness" has also permeated and numbed other areas of my life that I care about.  My mind is me!  It is all I have and all I carry through life!  Yet when it has come to drugs in this past year, which I know have a chance of dulling my thoughts or permanently rewiring things, I got the extra push over the line I needed to try them.  While this has always been a curiosity of mine, I now recognize that extra push as an extension of the spreading numbness that could be equated with "coolness."

I got a freakin motorcycle!?  I have one life to live, one shot on this Earth, and I am able to shut that thought out so I can be cavalier do something which certainly decreases my life expectancy.

Is this all bad?  No, not at all.  In both cases I was able to push myself into trying things I wouldn't have "had the balls for" (what a joke) earlier, and both have turned out to be rewarding.  What I am not okay with, though is the amount that this extra daring came from not caring.

Caring is living.  Caring is allowing externals to affect you, to shake you.  What is life if not learning to meld internals with externals?  I want to have this tool of quieting thoughts when they are not good for me, but I want to be more deliberate about what I choose to care about and what I don't.  That's courage.  Shutting my mind off isn't.  I'm scared of what I might have lost, that I might not be able to go back.

(Fortune cookie thought: you can't spell scared without care.)

I feel vulnerable posting this... why should I?

This sadness comes with a loneliness that makes me feel like all I need is some validation.  And not just any validation, but validation from a girl I have at least some interest in.  Is it a need for support for the idea that I'm desirable, that I'm going to have that happy family life eventually (as I've written about in a past post)?  Or has that explanation just been a rationalization?  Linda and I have been digging up complicated feelings dealing with my mom and affection; I wonder if some component of that need for love is more of an in-the-moment need, completely unrelated to future potentialities.  Just a basal need; a natural response to the swooping low.
It feels like a gnawing crave, and when I try to not address it directly but sort of just let it sit with me, I feel pretty powerless.  Confronting it by trying to feel it out, trying to uncover where it comes from, seems to make things a bit better.  Almost like the curious part of my personality comes in and pumps a little bit of life into me.
But now I feel like I just turned that void into an object of fascination, rather than processing it and letting it pass.

I wonder why it came now.  It came suddenly and was more intense than I've felt in a while.  It wasn't too different than many end-of-the-day moods, which makes me think there's something behind the loneliness people sometimes feel at night.  Part of it is the energy of the morning, fresh and recharged, that gets spent as the day goes on.  Part of it is the gradual wearing away, through the day, of optimism, of the wide range of possibilities the day could lead to, that gradually get pruned as the remaining hours for amazing things to happen tick away.

Both of those sound like dissonances between how the world is seen in the morning versus the night, as if they come from an unrealistic idealization of how life operates.  It also seems like a way to produce a curmudgeonly old fart after living through decades of such erosion.

Anyway, I feel some weird guilt at turning the blue mood into a curiosity, but it also seems to have taken away that powerlessness, that craving for validation.  I could see how my curiosity and intellectualizing sides are some of my biggest defense mechanisms to try to grab some control in my life.

Mackle more, Cackle less

Beautiful song, cool music video:

but I couldn't figure out what the chorus meant.  So a quick google search led me to a Rolling Stone article about the song and Macklemore's bittersweet rise to fame, and that led me to something he said that resonated:

"It's always strange for me to come back home and have any sort of downtime after you've been out in front of crowds, night after night, thousands and thousands of people showing you love. Then you get back home and it's like, 'Whoa. I'm alone in these thoughts right now. Who am I?' It's weird and challenging and uncomfortable."

Now, maybe this a bit of a reach, but I'd say that sounds a lot like one of the big feelings I've had after the break up.  All the newly found free time and the sudden cutoff of a huge source of external love and feedback have conspired to leave me in a quiet place with my own thoughts asking something along the lines of "Wow I haven't been forced to be with just myself in a while, who am I?" (the forcing is the new thing, since I would sit with my thoughts before but could leave more or less at my discretion; see vulnerability)

That's been weird and challenging and uncomfortable, for sure.  But it also seems really valuable and definitely do-able the more I accept and confront it.




Hope whoever may see this post is doing all right, trucking on with the knowledge that they are a great human being with so much to give to the world (dating world and otherwise).

The ability to be vulnered

Vulnerable is not having anything up your sleeve.
Vulnerable is being cold while wearing all the warm clothes you brought on a camping trip.  If you were cold but still had just an extra hat in your backpack or hadn't put on your gloves yet, you wouldn't feel as vulnerable.
It is not having anything to do on a Friday night other than staying home.  When you make the choice to stay in, turning down other options, that is not vulnerable.
It is showing someone your weaknesses or your passions or how much you truly care, and leaving it all out there, with nothing hidden, no choice in what else to say or keep secret.
Vulnerable is not having any control, because your choice has been made for you.
Vulnerable is fear.  Fear that if anything -- any circumstances, any feelings, etc. -- might change, you won't be ready because your options are all used up.
Vulnerable is not knowing if you'll be all right.


A major vulnerability I notice in my life is not knowing what the future will hold.  Just about every moment of every day, I cope with this by trying to project forward to predict my future based on what happens now, and changing my behavior/thinking if I don't like where things are going.  My idea of the future often thrashes around violently, and my present is consumed and overshadowed by imagining, based on the last hour or the last fifteen minutes, where my life will lead.  Am I a good person (who therefore will have a decent life)?  If the next question I ask in class is a dumb one, will I be able to make it in science?  Is this relationship one that will lead to happiness for the next 50 years?  That's a lot of pressure to put on the present, and what if the answer, the projection, comes up negative, as it inevitably will?

As my therapist and I discussed this week, this forward-projecting seems analogous to the butterfly effect.  Imagine a butterfly incessantly trying to predict the weather thousands of miles away and then flapping its wings this way and that in an attempt to change the result to something better.


I'm now starting to recognize this fear of the unknown future when it comes up.  It especially comes up when I feel lonely, because I don't know if I'll end up being a lonely soul.  And I stake a lot on not ending up a lonely soul, as another one of my defense mechanisms -- I don't know many things about my future, such as where I'll live, who I'll be close to, what I will do for my career, and so many more smaller things, but I think that all of these come secondary to my family life.  If I can have a nice home life, the other details don't bug me as much.  And when that is put into question, that's scary.  My fear response kicks in.

I don't want to feel driven to date someone out of fear of being a lonely soul.  I don't want to seek validation through flirting just to comfort my fear of being a lonely soul.

I want to find a balance between taking the present as one instant in a slew of instants and appreciating it as such, and keeping my future in mind.

I don't want to be so afraid of the unknown.  These are fear responses 5 year old Kieran developed.  They aren't what I need now.

Porpoise

Porpoises derive their name from French for "pig-fish."  Porpoises are also called mereswine (probably also related to swine/pigs in some way).  Porpoises swim for nearly -- and now that I've got you hooked, let's swim into the real ripples of this stream of thought:

People talk about having a purpose in life, or searching for one, or how a particular thing gives them "purpose."  What does this mean, and what's the source of mine, if I have it?

It seems like purpose is when effort spent now feels like it's going towards something of higher-importance in the future.  For some people, it's a dream -- Patrick has wanted to be a high energy physicist since 7th grade, so when he does quantum field theory homework, it is for more than just a grade: the hours he spends now are deposited into a vault which will eventually be cashed out in the form of being a professor.  And this makes his late nights worthwhile.

Some people feel their purpose is to live a certain type of lifestyle -- they'd like to eventually be able to give to others with all their heart, so they give what they can today.  Or religion steps in and the idea is that every act or deed performed with religion in mind will help to later lead a more holy life, or to have a happier eternity.  Talking to Gus just now, what drives him is the ultimate goal of being a capable person, which is worked towards by acquiring skills like cooking, playing the piano, and setting up a vacuum chamber, for examples.

Regardless, I think that purpose is when an everyday effort is made more special by the idea that it will make the future better.  Some effort does not contribute to a person's sense of purpose, so it isn't as palatable, which is why people tend to gravitate toward things that contribute to their ultimate purpose.

So, in thinking about this, where's my sense of purpose?  I feel the most inspired when what I'm doing will help me have a happier family someday.  A dinner cooked for Pearl feels like it requires far less energy than one cooked for Gus and Patrick, perhaps because I feel like it "invests" that time in the future, because there's a chance she'll be part of that 'happy family' in my mind, whereas it's more indirect to imagine the dinner leading to Uncle Gus and Uncle Patrick having a big impact on my future family.
The time I spend improving myself, whether through trying to acquire knowledge or emotional intelligence, often feels easier to motivate if I think about it as making myself a "better catch" for my future wife, or a better dad for any future kids.  And when I have little to no luck dating, as I did last year, it really gets me down.
This is also tied into the type of person I'd like to grow into -- someone who is understanding and compassionate, and who can tell loads of interesting stories of adventures through life, paired with wisdom and knowledge to get through just about anything life can through at you.  The idea of growing into this person is also a source of motivation and purpose, so time spent reflecting, as well as spent improving myself as I mentioned above, is also with this future-Kieran in mind.

Physics, on the other hand, feels like TV or a drug, in some sense, which lives more in the present than my future dreams of companionship or the type of person I'd like to be.  The highs I get from expanding my mind are great, but I guess I have a hard time envisioning a future to which they will lead.  I know that I will never understand the whole world, and the more I live, the more I see there is to learn outside the realm of physics.  I could study for my whole life and wouldn't even come close to brushing up against most of the topics that human knowledge spans.  Will the highs get better over time?  I don't think so; the mind explosion I had back in high school when trying to comprehend the size of the universe felt about the same as the one I had last year when I learned about path integrals and the ideas of quantum electrodynamics.  For this reason, it doesn't feel as if I am escalating towards anything with my pursuit of physics knowledge; it feels more like I have found something that makes me happy in the present moment -- a fun and creative source for problem solving, punctuated by amazing insights and new perspectives -- but I don't feel much of a higher purpose to strive toward physics mastery in the future.  (It does teach me skills, though, so that I feel like it is making me a more capable person at the end of each week, which does align with some of my sense of purpose.)

Does this mean I am in the wrong line of work?  Is it bad if my career is not what gives me purpose?  Will I find something that does someday?  There's also purpose attained from having an impact on people's lives, so how does that factor in?  How much is purpose inherently selfish?  I think that, as one of the first times I've put such thoughts into words, I've oversimplified things into thinking people have only one or two big sources of purpose, and that's it; there are surely degrees of purpose, and someone can have a whole slew of things that motivate them to varying degrees.  To say that I derive no purpose from physics is too simplistic -- advancing both my knowledge every day and, in an infinitesimal way, humanity's, does stir something in me -- but at first glance, when comparing to what else I have written, it is not as significant.

Just some preliminary thoughts on the subject; thanks for reading p diz!

Story Time: Little Happenings

What's the point, he said
Of what, she said
He stared hard into her eyes for a second and then glanced away, following a car as it drove by outside the window
Shoelaces, he said with a weak smile that tried to tie up loose ends
She chuckled and ate a piece of sushi after dipping it daintily in the soy sauce
They ate facing each other but their faces looked everywhere else
In passing his eyes over from the scene on her left side to the scene on her right, his met hers, and they shared a half second of connection before both blushed and continued to examine the room


"Let's gooo!!  You look amazing babe!  Our friends are waiting!"
"Have you seen my phone?"
He looked around the apartment, dropped flat to the floor to check under the couch, and hopped up to her smiling face right in front of his.  "Got it," she said.  "Let's go!"
He walked behind her to the elevator and admired the view.  She walked in front of him to let him admire the view.
She did a James Bond spin into the elevator and asked in a 'British' accent "Which floor, my dear?"
Not eager to uncage his 'British' accent, he grabbed her at the hips and did a 'spicy' 'salsa' move.
In the car they caught up over the little things of the day -- the happenings which constitute the majority of life, to be sure, but which also for the most part are only interesting to another with whom enough time is spent that they share in many of these little happenings -- her morning run, his meeting at work, her funny encounter with the Phyllis of her office.
...
"That was great!" she said, stumbling a little as she got into the car for the ride home.
"Such nice people," he said.  "And what delicious food!  We need to remember that sangria recipe."
They looked at each other and shared a half second of connection before both blushed and got out of the car to go up to the apartment.

Thoughts and Notes on the Bible

The Defining Decade by Meg Jay

"The best is the enemy of the good." - Voltaire
Trying to make the best decision is too paralyzing, it's much better just to make a decent decision and respond to the consequences.

Identity capital is the term she uses for the set of experiences and skills that you acquire over time, that serves as a currency for all sorts of relationships -- romantic and work-wise.  Kind of a cool concept that tries to pin down what you are building up over time as you gain experiences.

Six jams vs 24 jams Stanford psych study -- a taste test area was set up in a supermarket where 6 or 24 jams were displayed.  The 24 jams got more attention on the days they were out due to the huge array of choices, but only 3% of the people who sampled actually went on to buy jam.  When there were only 6 jams laid out, 30% went on to buy a jam.  Less choice made making a decision easier.

Weak ties -- this is the idea that the people closest to you are often the most similar, and the ones you'll learn the most from and expand your horizons with are generally the ones you have only a "weak tie" with.  They can help you network and get your foot in the door when it would otherwise be more difficult.  This chapter seemed to bash having a close friend group as it stifles growth, which I found myself a bit repelled by.  Maybe this is true, but I think just maintaining a diverse set of friends who don't overlap can be just as good for growth.  This may just be me clinging to a romantic notion of the value in a strong bond with another person, although looking to weak ties for help doesn't rule out the need for close relationships.  She just seemed to bash these relationships quite a bit.  Anyway, I like this idea, and feel like I had the same close friend group in Berkeley for most of the time there, but they were nice and diverse enough that I still learned a lot.  Here in Chicago I feel my friend group is more diverse but generally at the expense of closeness; I also feel like Pearl and I have a good mix of growth-inducing differences and empathy-encouraging similarities.

Work should be crappy sometimes.  She was saying how, at this stage in life, you want to feel like what you're doing for work is pushing you really hard because that's how you find your potential.  An "easy" job where you don't have to worry about meeting expectations doesn't make you grow nearly as much as one where you regularly feel anxious or lost.

To go with this, a lot changes in the brain in your twenties.  Supposedly it's a time where the brain is really plastic, comparable to the way a baby's is in the first few years of life.  Afterwards it sounds like character traits are more locked in.  She also wrote that people in their thirties and beyond become more accepting of things and more optimistic, and the ups and downs in emotions mellow out, which may both signal an end to a (volatile?) plastic brain and make you less eager to change yourself.  Anyway, it seems to place a lot of importance on laying some good groundwork down in your twenties.

Don't move in with a girl before proposing!  Supposedly the cohabitation effect is when you shlide into living together because it's convenient and fun, then get some furniture together, get used to sharing bills and cleaning the bathroom for each other, then shlide into getting married because it's easier than splitting up all your stuff again, and the whole time you're sort of just taking little steps toward a big thing which places less emphasis on each one.  You don't go into it asking yourself if this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with; it's more just that it could be fun and convenient, but that's not the way to look at seeing if a partner is right for you.  So, supposedly this leads to higher divorce rates than if you ask yourself those big questions before choosing to live together (so get engaged first).

Trips are good.  People often view living together as a good test for compatibility, but how does that mesh with the cohabitation effect?  I'm glad you ask: trips to third world countries are good ways to put some stressors on a relationship and see how you both react.  They come with opportunities to have a lot of fun together as well as encounter and deal with new and unknown settings together.  Woo!  Go Asia Trip 2015!

Take home message: There is this ubiquitous view that life doesn't need to start until you're 30.  While many of the big decisions (marriage, starting a family, choosing a career and where to live, etc.) may not happen until then, the time to start thinking about them is definitely in your 20s.  Also, this time of little responsibility and attachment will go by fast, so keep in mind the mantra:



Yesterday is history; tomorrow is a mystery; but today is a gift.  That is why they call it the present.