This sadness comes with a loneliness that makes me feel like all I need is some validation. And not just any validation, but validation from a girl I have at least some interest in. Is it a need for support for the idea that I'm desirable, that I'm going to have that happy family life eventually (as I've written about in a past post)? Or has that explanation just been a rationalization? Linda and I have been digging up complicated feelings dealing with my mom and affection; I wonder if some component of that need for love is more of an in-the-moment need, completely unrelated to future potentialities. Just a basal need; a natural response to the swooping low.
It feels like a gnawing crave, and when I try to not address it directly but sort of just let it sit with me, I feel pretty powerless. Confronting it by trying to feel it out, trying to uncover where it comes from, seems to make things a bit better. Almost like the curious part of my personality comes in and pumps a little bit of life into me.
But now I feel like I just turned that void into an object of fascination, rather than processing it and letting it pass.
I wonder why it came now. It came suddenly and was more intense than I've felt in a while. It wasn't too different than many end-of-the-day moods, which makes me think there's something behind the loneliness people sometimes feel at night. Part of it is the energy of the morning, fresh and recharged, that gets spent as the day goes on. Part of it is the gradual wearing away, through the day, of optimism, of the wide range of possibilities the day could lead to, that gradually get pruned as the remaining hours for amazing things to happen tick away.
Both of those sound like dissonances between how the world is seen in the morning versus the night, as if they come from an unrealistic idealization of how life operates. It also seems like a way to produce a curmudgeonly old fart after living through decades of such erosion.
Anyway, I feel some weird guilt at turning the blue mood into a curiosity, but it also seems to have taken away that powerlessness, that craving for validation. I could see how my curiosity and intellectualizing sides are some of my biggest defense mechanisms to try to grab some control in my life.
